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A Transformation Journey Beyond Endurance
Transformation is not a linear path. It is a self-awareness journey, full of highs and lows, deep introspection, and moments of uncertainty. It is a roller coaster ride, one that takes us to the depths of our being, piercing through deep core wounds, releasing what has been held for years, even decades.
As an ultra runner, I know endurance. I know the pain of pushing through dark, grueling moments, bad weather, the body screaming for relief, the mind resisting every step forward. Running 200-kilometre races through winter nights or scorching summers has taught me resilience. Focus on small steps. One aid station at a time. Lean into the forward movement, even when everything in me wants to stop.
The Struggle of Darkness
Yet, this transformation work? It’s a different kind of endurance. One that asks me to sit still in the discomfort, to feel the raw emotions that pour out of me, unfiltered, untamed.
There are moments in an ultra race where I want to give up, where my body screams to quit, my mind fills with self-doubt, and I hear a relentless inner voice saying,
"Why are you doing this? You can just stop!"
I stop and sit at the edge of the trail. I cry, and I dream that I could be home, wrapped in comfort, with a warm drink, watching a movie. And yet, somehow, I get up and keep going with the next small step.
This is how inner transformation feels. In this self-awareness journey, the darkness comes in waves. The fear of collapse. The stuckness. The feeling of being trapped in a comfort zone that is anything but comfortable.
There are days when I curl up in bed, overwhelmed by emotions, unsure of how to move forward. I find myself in a place where my body is screaming at me. It has stopped me from doing what I love. It has forced me into stillness. No more running, no more movement. And it’s in this forced pause that I come face to face with something deeper: a lack of trust in myself.
Rebuilding Trust in Myself
I experienced this in a simple, physical way. As I took a step forward, and in a split second, doubt flooded in. I felt my knee hesitate, my body resist. For a brief moment, I didn’t trust that my body could hold me.
"Will I collapse? Will I break? Will I fall apart? "
This was more than just a physical reaction, it reflected a deeper lack of trust in my own strength and ability to move forward in life.
As a somatic coach, an ultra runner, an Ixchel Trainee Practitioner and yoga lover, I have spent years working with my body, aligning my posture, and understanding how movement connects to emotion. Yet, in that instant, my mind told me I would collapse. This hesitation mirrors the internal barriers that arise in deep transformation, those subconscious fears that keep us stuck.
This mistrust doesn’t just live in my body; it runs deeper; it's in my bones. It echoes through old wounds, childhood stories, scarcity, and rejection. The fear of not being wanted. The belief that I have to be perfect. That I must do it the right way or not at all. That success comes with too much responsibility.
These beliefs grip me, holding me still, just as my body holds onto pain.
And yet, a part of me knows: I must take the step anyway.
Listening to the Body’s Messages
One of the most profound lessons in this self-awareness journey has been learning to listen to my body. At first, I resisted, trying to push through. But I’ve come to understand that my body holds messages I need to hear.
It has shown me where I hold fear, where I grip onto control, where I struggle to release. Sitting with these sensations, rather than forcing movement, has been an act of deep self-awareness.
I must break the band-aid open, move towards the resistance, and release the screams trapped inside. I want to be held in that release. I want to trust myself to move forward.
I want to live!
Not just survive, not just endure, but truly live.
And so, I keep leaning in. I explore the depth of these fears, the stories they carry, and the ways they manifest in my body. I notice how my sacrum holds it all, how my pelvis tightens, how my posture shapes the way I move through the world. I see how my past still echoes in my present, whispering old narratives of abandonment, scarcity, and rejection.
But I also see the possibility.
I see the tiny moments where I can choose trust instead of fear.
I see the path forward, even if it’s only one small step at a time.
And I remind myself, just like in an ultra race, each step is enough.
Moving Forward, One Step at a Time
Breaking through stuckness isn’t about massive leaps, it’s about small, intentional steps forward. Whether through movement, reflection, or coaching, each action brings greater clarity and trust.
This self-awareness journey is ongoing, but I am learning to embrace it fully, to trust myself, to listen to my body, and to take the next step, even when the path ahead is uncertain.
One step.
Then the next.
Then the next.
And before I know it, I WILL be moving again.
Fully. Freely. With trust.
About the Author
Debbie Brupbacher is an executive coach, ultra runner, and founder of Embodied Transformation, guiding leaders, individuals and teams through deep personal growth and self-awareness. Drawing from endurance sports, somatic practices, nature and transformational coaching, she helps others navigate life's challenges with resilience, trust, and embodied presence.
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